Good evening Red Rooster, I hope your sickle feathers are flea free and the hens have been treating you well!
I do apologise, but I have come to you with bad news. You see, last night, after a long day on the ostrich farm, we decided to stop into your fast food outlet at Tuggerah. We went through the drive-thru as this was the most convenient option and the smell of your urinal cakes reminds of when I was held captive by the Yakuza and lost my little toe, but I won’t get into that.
When we got home, we realised that the chicken that was part of the Family Roast we ordered had leaked through the bag and on to the leather seats of my partner’s car. My goodness! can you imagine the reaction of a vegan if they were to witness this?! I mean, seats made from animals covered in the juices of ANOTHER animal that had been slaughtered, cooked and about to be eaten. Luckily, my house is vegan free we had no herbivore guests over that night! Crisis averted.
We placed the bag containing the roasted bird on the bench of our kitchen and removed the cardboard sarcophagus, which was dripping in gelatinous goo, and proceeded to dish up our long-awaited feast! The raw pumpkin and carrot didn’t mix well with the rubbery chicken and I was a little unsure about the gravy. Do you use curry powder in your gravy mixture? If you’re going to make it to the next round in this competition, you’re going to need to step it up a notch. Sorry. Watching My Kitchen Rules.
We phoned the store to let them know we were unhappy with our meal, only to be offered the meal to be replaced or a 20% discount on our next visit. On this call, it was advised there had been another customer call with a similar complaint. We asked for our money back in fear of potentially upsetting a rogue vegan. Our request for our money back was declined and the offer stood as it was so I visited your feedback option on your website to let you know of our dissatisfaction, and today I spoke with a Manager named Paul. I’m a little suspicious he may be the alien friend of Seth Rogan, but I could be wrong, Paul is a common name I guess.
Paul, the Human, told me that there had been recent issues with the pumpkin that they were aware of but they thought they had made it through the Great Pumpkin Fiasco, or GPF as he told me. Paul proceeded to apologise for my experience and offer a 25% discount on our next visit. This is when my suspicions of him being an extraterrestrial were erased, Paul the Alien would have given me a refund, he’s a top dude. Human Paul told me that it was the owner’s policy to only offer a replacement meal or a 25% discount on our next visit, but he would speak with him again to see if he would acquiesce my request and call me back.
Paul called back and told me the news. The owner had declined my refund. I told Paul that I would no longer visit the restaurant he managed, to which he pleaded I give him another shot, but it was too late, the damage was done and just like my little toe, back on that horrible night, I wasn’t coming back.
So Red Rooster, I wish you all the best on your future endeavours against the vegan up rising and wish you all the best in beating the GPF. So long, and farewell.
P.S I made it through this whole post without saying cock or fowl. So… Cock.